Sunday, April 28, 2013

Survivor Sunday Song: Carry On

Need some inspiration? Time to turn up the volume and belt out the lyrics to Fun's "Carry On!"

If you're not familiar with this song, using some creative ellispses with the lyrics, I'll show you why you'll be singing "Carry On" at the top of your lungs!

...But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times, I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone or you're sinking like a stone,
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on

...'Cause we are 
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come, we will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on

(No one's ever gonna stop us now)
T-Shirt Design on Threadrock.com


Also acceptable. Image sourced back to here

Greeting card on Laughing Abi Studio's Etsy Shop

It happens. Image found here


And fight we will!! Keep Calm-O-Matic





Saturday, April 27, 2013

Tall Girl Problem #254

Truth.  It's even worse when other people witness it.



Genetic counseling

Every appointment with my oncologic surgeon has ended with, "and we'd really like for you to have genetic testing."  And, from his perspective, I get it.  It's weird that I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 31.  My mom had ovarian cancer.  Knowledge is power.  Blah, blah, blah.  I was originally reluctant to consent to the testing because a) I didn't think there was a strong family history of cancer, b) from here on out I'll be having annual mammograms anyways and c) how do you mentally process getting a positive result from the genetic testing?

Turns out there's this thing called genetic counseling!!   I live in a town with a university and a medical school, so I had an appointment within days of requesting genetic counseling and a mere ten minute drive from my house. I imagine genetic counseling isn't as easy for everyone to come by, but I do recommend it if you're likewise hesitant about genetic testing.

I wasn't really sure what to expect at the appointment.  Are they going to draw blood?  How much family history do I need to know?  Ever since this whole cancer thing started doctor's appointments are so much scarier.  You have no idea what to expect at the appointment (exams, testing, etc) plus you're scared to death of what they're going to say.  I've learned to call ahead and just ask the first person who answers the phone what to expect. It goes something like this:

"Hello this is Scary Doctor's Office."
"Hi, I have my first appointment with Scary Doctor on Tuesday and I just wondering what I could expect."

It works really well!  In this case I found out that I could have the genetic testing done from a blood test or cheek swab following genetic counseling if I wanted.

At the appointment with the genetic counselor, she started by making a family tree making little circles and squares reminiscent of ninth grade biology.  First she drew me, my parents and my siblings.  Then she drew my mom's sister and her kids.  Then she went up to my mom's parents and their siblings and children.  Then she repeated on my dad's side, so she went as far back as my grandparents and my parents' first cousins. She made notes of everyone's age, if anyone had been diagnosed with cancer and wanted to know the cause of death of anyone not living and their age when they died.

The genetic counselor makes little family history art projects like this one!
Once she was done with the genetic family tree diagram, she went through a slideshow of sorts about the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations.  I could tell you all about it, but maybe should leave this subject to the experts.  You can read a comprehensive fact sheet about gene mutations and genetic testing here that pretty closely follows what I learned from the geneticist. But be warned, there is an unfortunate word choice: deleterious.  Good word, bad place to use it.  And/or you can read a more user-friendly yet less in depth summary here.

After reviewing my family's history of cancer, she plugged in the information into a computer model which showed that I have a 51% chance of having a BRCA gene mutation.

When my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, there was talk of genetic testing.  She did not have the test, as the only other person in her family with a cancer in the BRCA gene family was her first cousin on her dad's side (although we know now the BRCA gene can be passed from the mother or the father).  Had she had the test, and had she tested positive, I had already decided that I would not have gone for testing.  I didn't want to know!  I thought I could some how bring cancer upon myself.  Ah, the irony.

Now I say, "bring it on!" I would like to know that there's nothing I did and nothing I didn't do that resulting in my having breast cancer at 31, because I'm driving myself crazy worrying if I ate too much ramen noodles or should have worn gloves when washing dishes or shouldn't have reheated leftovers in plastic containers.

The genetic counselor went on to explain that employers and health insurance companies cannot legally discriminate based on a positive BRCA gene mutation test...but life insurance policies can.  It's debatable how much my husband and I really need life insurance (ah, the luxuries of having and making no money) and it's questionable whether we could even get life insurance with my diagnosis. But that door will be firmly closed if I test positive for a BRCA gene mutation, so I'm going to see if we can get a policy that will cover our meager needs and then go for testing.

For the genetic testing, all I have to do is call ahead and say I'm coming, and then they'll either take a blood sample or do a cheek swab (cheek swab all the way!!) and in 2-3 weeks I'll have my answer.  Or, if it's negative, I won't have my answer.

The test itself is about $3500, but most insurance companies will cover it.  The one company that does the testing (they have a monopoly and can charge whatever they like) will first see what your insurance will cover, and if your part exceeds $350 I think it is, then they'll call and get your consent before moving forward with the testing.

My oncologic surgeon has explained that if I do test positive, the only thing that changes is the timing of cancer prevention. Since my breasts have demonstrated the ability to produce cancer, my right breast's days are numbered anyways, but if I have a BRCA gene mutation then "Rightie" will definitely be removed by the time I'm 40.  I had an ovary removed two years ago due to a dermoid cyst (as devastating as it was to lose an ovary at 29, that's a pretty awesome reason!  It even had teeth!!), so again if I test positive, then my one remaining ovary will be removed once I'm done with it.

I found genetic counseling to be empowering.  Instead of all this stuff happening TO me, I finally get to make a decision about my health moving forward.  Definitely check it out!

Monday, April 15, 2013

What's up with the rib cage?

I noticed about three weeks after my mastectomy that the bottom of my rib cage protrudes farther on my left side (the mastectomy/cancer side) than on the right side.  At first I chalked it up to swelling, or maybe it's always been this way but I didn't notice because there was a breast blocking my view.

Hello, Left Rib Cage!  What are you doing?

But it wasn't long until fear of metastasizing breast cancer crept into my mind.  Most people don't feel DCIS, but I did.  Most people don't have an 8cm tumor, but I did.  I don't know what the likelihood of having an immediate reoccurence is, but this is cancer and anything goes.

Every couple of days I would compare my the bottom of my left rib cage to the right.  I would push on the left and feel hardness, not swelling or fluid squishiness.  I debated my next course of action.

My view - plus a dog arm

I was so swift in calling the doctor when I found IT but now I floundered on what to do.  I had already called my oncologist's office once before the mastectomy after I had bumped in to something causing pain radiating in my tumor-filled breast.  I was worried the tumor had popped, cancer was spilling out everywhere, and now I would need chemotherapy.  The nurse on the other end tried to patiently calm me down, but I could tell from her tone of voice she thought I was ridiculous.  Evidently you can't pop a cancer tumor.  Even if you run into a file box.

Anywho, I waited impatiently for my medical oncology appointment where I could ask debatably silly questions to an unsuspecting new doctor.  My opportunity came last week.

The medical oncologist - whom I LOVE - said it's not uncommon for this to happen, that sometimes "your weight shifts and follows the path of least resistance."  I have no idea what that means.  All I heard was "no we're not sending you to radiology because you might have bone cancer."

Evidently it happens more often in larger women, but hey, why not me, too?!

She also said I had nice skin.  Don't really know what to make of that last part.  My husband says, "I guess she likes the pasty look."

Is your rib cage wonky?  Did you ever call the doctor with important but maybe silly questions?


Not hungry? Me neither!

Since my mastectomy five weeks ago, I have not been hungry.  For the first several weeks I was probably only eating the equivalent of one meal a day and even now I'm only up to eating two meals a day.  I just don't feel like eating.  Nothing seems appetizing.  And when I do eat, I can only manage a few bites before my body says, "no more!"  I bring a bite of food to my lips but I just can't put it in my mouth. Attempts to force myself to eat result in my spitting the food out into the trash.  I don't feel full or nauseated...I just don't have an appetite.

This has, of course, been of some concern, both to me and my loved ones.  I associate such a marked lack of appetite with extreme stress or even depression.  But I don't feel stressed or depressed.  I think I've actually been handling this cancer stuff pretty well, considering!

A lady I work with had a double mastectomy.  Her mother died when she was just 49, so she had a double mastectomy in her 40s as a precaution - not because she had received a cancer diagnosis.  After lifting up her shirt and showing me her scars (that was actually pretty cool) she mentioned she didn't have an appetite for about a month after her surgery.  Aha!!  So I'm not the only one!

According to the Mayo Clinic 

"the stress of surgery and follow-up care can depress the appetite, alter the taste of food and make it difficult to eat and digest food, sometimes for weeks or months. In fact, most people lose 5 to 10 percent of their body weight after a major surgery because of poor appetite and increased nutrition needed for healing"

I met with the medical oncologist last week and she commented on her examination of my mastectomy that there was still some fluid build-up.  Evidently my mind and body are on the same page: we're both mourning the loss of my left breast and still trying to figure out what to do without it.

And in a move that seems downright just not fair, the resulting weight loss from my lack of appetite means that my right breast doesn't fill out my post-mastectomy bra as well as it did.  Now the right cup is collapsing on itself a little bit, as opposed to the "first form" (I still think think that's a ridiculous name) on the left, so I have some breast asymmetry going on.  Wait - does this mean instead of having my "fat jeans" and my "skinny jeans" I'll have my "fat prosthetic" and my "skinny prosthetic?!?!"

So if lack of appetite/food not tasting right is normal after major surgery, it is especially hard when your mind is spinning from learning which foods are "safe" and which foods you should avoid.

The grocery store used to be full of ingredients begging for me to buy them and turn them into meals or, better yet, desserts!  Now the grocery store is a scary place!

First there's the produce section.  Wait, I read somewhere that thin-skinned produce is more toxic.  
Then there's the wine section.  Just keep on walking.
Then there are the dry goods.  Ack!  Look at all these processed foods!
Then there's the dairy aisle.  Do they make organic cheese?

I walk the entire store in anguish trying to remember what's on the "good list," what's on the "bad list" and trying to decide if I really want to pay $5.39 for a quart of organic cherry juice (I did...and you should not!  Bleck!).

Pause for a little pep talk.  Eating something, even if it's on the "bad list," is a better option than eating nothing.

Then I walk the store again and end up with a conglomeration of foods I will eat, and foods I think I should eat.  Organic apples, pickles, almonds, oreos, organic cheese (it does exist!), cheez-its, the aforementioned organic black cherry juice, a bottle of white zinfandel.  There are no proper meals, just a crazy series of snacks.

To that end, for dinner I had triscuits topped with organic cheese, dipped in organic salsa, then two bread & butter pickles, three olives, and finally fruit dipped in a ganache I made with dark chocolate and organic milk.  With a glass of gross organic black cherry juice that is still half full.  But it's progress.

Has your appetite disappeared, too?  Is going grocery shopping an event for you?  What crazy little meals have you made for yourself?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

A neu diagnosis

In a weird turn of events, I had been told in error that my cancer was triple negative.  In fact, my cancer was HER2/neu positive.  A little odd, but a diagnosis of HER2/neu sounds much more positive (just a little medical humor there).


Saturday, April 6, 2013

So now what?

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I spent hours on the internet looking for answers as to what causes cancer and how I could have it.  And the answer is...no idea!  Yay!  That's not scary at all!

Since I had a mastectomy and the pathology showed they got all of it, presumably I no longer have cancer.  We still worry though, right?  Those "what ifs" drive us crazy!

I went through  am still in a phase where the world seems like a scary, carcinogenic world from shampoo to dryer sheets to microwaveable lunches to genetically modified produce to tap water to flame retardant upholstery.  Then when I started to research what I could do to fight cancer and to prevent cancer, I found the information varies wildly and even contradicts itself!  What's a tall girl to do?!  What I can't do is stay paralyzed in fear.  It's time to take control over the things I can take control over and leave it at that.

The American Institute for Cancer Research has 10 Recommendations for Cancer Prevention. Ten is a little much, right?  I think they all boil down to three, and three is much easier to keep up with than ten anyways!

1. Eat a plant-based diet
Not too bad, right?  Not totally life-altering.  We can cut back on the meat and up the veggies, fruit, whole grains and legumes.  Except all those yummy recipes on pinterest are full of meat!

2. Exercise at least 30 minutes a day (ugggghhhhhh!!!!)
I have a very active job, so I always considered work to be my work out.  I suppose now I have to get more serious about exercising.  Thirty minutes a day doesn't sound like a lot, right?  But what do you do every single day for thirty minutes?

3. Limit alcohol intake to 1 drink or less a day.  That's not an average - you can't save them up.  You can't skip one day and have two glasses of wine the next day.  Nope!  Just one or less alcoholic beverages per day (double ugggghhhh!!!!).  Did I mention my husband owns a bar?

I've been mulling over these recommendations for a few weeks now, and I find all of it a lot easier said than done.  So I'll be sharing recipes, exercise tips, mocktails and fashion advice for dressing this new body and we'll get through this together!