Since my mastectomy five weeks ago, I have not been hungry. For the first several weeks I was probably only eating the equivalent of one meal a day and even now I'm only up to eating two meals a day. I just don't feel like eating. Nothing seems appetizing. And when I do eat, I can only manage a few bites before my body says, "no more!" I bring a bite of food to my lips but I just can't put it in my mouth. Attempts to force myself to eat result in my spitting the food out into the trash. I don't feel full or nauseated...I just don't have an appetite.
This has, of course, been of some concern, both to me and my loved ones. I associate such a marked lack of appetite with extreme stress or even depression. But I don't feel stressed or depressed. I think I've actually been handling this cancer stuff pretty well, considering!
A lady I work with had a double mastectomy. Her mother died when she was just 49, so she had a double mastectomy in her 40s as a precaution - not because she had received a cancer diagnosis. After lifting up her shirt and showing me her scars (that was actually pretty cool) she mentioned she didn't have an appetite for about a month after her surgery. Aha!! So I'm not the only one!
According to the Mayo Clinic,
"the stress of surgery and follow-up care can depress the appetite, alter the taste of food and make it difficult to eat and digest food, sometimes for weeks or months. In fact, most people lose 5 to 10 percent of their body weight after a major surgery because of poor appetite and increased nutrition needed for healing"
I met with the medical oncologist last week and she commented on her examination of my mastectomy that there was still some fluid build-up. Evidently my mind and body are on the same page: we're both mourning the loss of my left breast and still trying to figure out what to do without it.
And in a move that seems downright just not fair, the resulting weight loss from my lack of appetite means that my right breast doesn't fill out my post-mastectomy bra as well as it did. Now the right cup is collapsing on itself a little bit, as opposed to the "first form" (I still think think that's a ridiculous name) on the left, so I have some breast asymmetry going on. Wait - does this mean instead of having my "fat jeans" and my "skinny jeans" I'll have my "fat prosthetic" and my "skinny prosthetic?!?!"
So if lack of appetite/food not tasting right is normal after major surgery, it is especially hard when your mind is spinning from learning which foods are "safe" and which foods you should avoid.
The grocery store used to be full of ingredients begging for me to buy them and turn them into meals or, better yet, desserts! Now the grocery store is a scary place!
First there's the produce section. Wait, I read somewhere that thin-skinned produce is more toxic.
Then there's the wine section. Just keep on walking.
Then there are the dry goods. Ack! Look at all these processed foods!
Then there's the dairy aisle. Do they make organic cheese?
I walk the entire store in anguish trying to remember what's on the "good list," what's on the "bad list" and trying to decide if I really want to pay $5.39 for a quart of organic cherry juice (I did...and you should not! Bleck!).
Pause for a little pep talk. Eating something, even if it's on the "bad list," is a better option than eating nothing.
Then I walk the store again and end up with a conglomeration of foods I will eat, and foods I think I should eat. Organic apples, pickles, almonds, oreos, organic cheese (it does exist!), cheez-its, the aforementioned organic black cherry juice, a bottle of white zinfandel. There are no proper meals, just a crazy series of snacks.
To that end, for dinner I had triscuits topped with organic cheese, dipped in organic salsa, then two bread & butter pickles, three olives, and finally fruit dipped in a ganache I made with dark chocolate and organic milk. With a glass of gross organic black cherry juice that is still half full. But it's progress.
Has your appetite disappeared, too? Is going grocery shopping an event for you? What crazy little meals have you made for yourself?
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