Once I was cleared for physical activity, beyond those post-op stretches, I just couldn't quite bring myself to sign up for a yoga class. I was still working on range of motion on the mastectomy side and didn't want to call attention to myself with having to modify the poses. I was worried, rightly or wrongly, that if I told the instructor I was recovering from breast cancer, the instructor would in someway pontificate about the benefits of yoga, mind/body connection, and somehow imply that I could have prevented the cancer. And then there was the whole issue of what to wear. At that point I had great disdain for the post-mastectomy bra and would rip it off as soon as I walked in the house, so I knew I wouldn't want to wear it at yoga. But I also knew I would be too self-conscious to not wear it, and be focused the whole time on my chest and if anyone was looking at me, instead of "being present" for yoga.
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| I might not like that damn bra, but the dog thinks it's a great pillow! |
So much for continuing yoga.
Being in nonprofit management, I diligently read the "community news" section of the paper each day to see what's going on in the nonprofit community. About a month ago, there was a little blurb about a free yoga class for cancer survivors the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month at a local art gallery.
I have very conflicting emotions about cancer survivorship. On one hand, I had a mastectomy. I only have one breast. I have to deal with the threat of cancer for the rest of my life. The world is now a scary, carcinogenic place. On the other, I got off easy. I only had a mastectomy. I'm surgically cured. I didn't have to have radiation, or chemo, or adjuvant therapy. I feel like I belong in the survivorship world, and don't belong all at the same time. Add to that my age. I just can't hear, "but you're so young!' one more time.
But yoga, and free yoga, was enough for me to bite the bullet to contact the cancer survivorship coordinator listed in the paper.
And oh boy did she get excited! She wanted me to come to a free dinner for breast cancer survivors, and to walk in the breast cancer fundraiser...I politely declined and asked her to register me for the yoga class and the cooking class, thinking maybe I can get past some of this fear of food.
When I told my husband that I was going to go to yoga for cancer survivors, and it was free, he immediately said, "you better wear your sports bra, because they're going to think you're just trying to scam them for a free class."
Finally the day came, and I wore my yoga pants (only wore once!), sports bra, and "cancer sucks" shirt. I hoped I looked the part.
And sure enough, I was quizzed as to my "relationship with cancer" and ended up smoothing down my shirt on my left side so everyone could see I'm part of the club! And then, everything was amazing!!!
It was inspiring! We went around the room, and one woman is a 26 year survivor of thyroid cancer and 14 year survivor of breast cancer. Another is a 5 year survivor of liver cancer. Another is in active treatment for 5 years for leukemia. And another had breast cancer, but I didn't catch how long ago. They were all living their lives, most of them obviously affected by cancer and cancer surgeries, but they were embracing life!
The yoga class itself was great, too! The class' focus is on breathing with light stretching - much more about the mind and body connection than exercise - but there's a strong current of healing emanating through the room.
After the class, the two breast cancer survivors literally cornered me to ask about my breast cancer experience and to find out if I was going to do reconstruction. The reconstruction answer is an emphatic no, by the way. They told me all about their prostheses and where to go. Evidently there's a place about an hour away that has a large selection of bras. One even offered to drive me there!
One of them had a mastectomy on one side like me, and she warned me that it gets harder as you get older. Your natural breast succumbs to gravity; the prosthesis does not. So she is battling breast asymmetry with one perky "breast" and eventually asked for a more weighted prosthesis to try and even her out.
At the yoga class this week, the other lady brought me flyer from our state's Susan G Komen office including the contact information for their social worker, because she knew I was having trouble finding a prosthesis fitter who would take my insurance.
And that's what I'm missing out on by feeling "not cancery enough" to be a "true" survivor. I thought I would be shunned because I didn't have the full cancer experience, and instead these women have embraced me, giving me invaluable advice on issues no one who isn't a breast cancer survivor can really understand.
Have you embraced survivorship? Do you feel likewise awkward to get involved due to age or stage? What kinds of survivorship services are in your area?
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