Pity, Party of One

I'm back!  I would apologize for not writing in so long, but the truth is I have been writing several posts - I just get too tired to finish them.  There have been 200 hits on my blog since my last post, so I can't keep you waiting any longer!  Upcoming posts include, I ran walked a 5k for ovarian cancer awareness, I have the pink ribbon blues,  my thoughts on being one-breasted and night drinking recipes to share.

But in the meantime, I am having a pity party.  I didn't throw myself a pity party.  In fact, I've been desperately avoiding said pity party because I know I have so much to be grateful for, but surprise!  Pity has thrown me a party anyways. The whole impact of the "lost a breast to cancer" is hitting me full force.  Sometimes it's the cancer thing, sometimes it's the breast asymmetry thing, sometimes it's all rolled together.

My face is completely broken out as my body is in turmoil after going off the birth control pill.  I am more broken out now that I ever, ever was as a teenager.

I have ringworm.  One patch of scaly skin comes to mind, right?  Well I am up to like 30 patches of ringworm.  Not. Cute.  I got one little patch of ringworm from a client at work on my neck, and thinking it was the aforementioned acne, didn't treat it for two weeks, and then BOOM!  It's everywhere!  What the hell is wrong with me that I have a ringworm epidemic?!  I have so many new spots appearing that I went to the doctor to go on the oral medication.  And since the fungal spores can still be active or whatever the word is for the next 2-4 weeks, I am having to wash everything I come in contact with - sheets, clothes, towels, pillows - in hot water and bleach and let it sit in the soak cycle so the detergent will break down the spores.  Every. Day.  That makes for a whole lot of laundry when you can only wear pajama bottoms once or use a towel once. And don't forget I only have one bra until August, so every night I either spray it down anti-fungal spray or go through the whole new crazy laundry routine.  Other than the original spot on my neck, all the spots are on my torso.  I think the most likely scenario is that when I was drying off the ringworm got on my towel, and I spread it everywhere over the next couple of days until I changed my towel.  But I still keep blaming my health, since ringworm happens to immuno-suppressed people.  Am I not taking care of myself well enough?  What the hell is happening?!!?

I've lost 15 pounds since I was fit for the post-mastectomy bra, so now my one breast doesn't fill out the cup and the cup collapses on itself and it looks like my one real breast is square.  It's a bad day with the "first form" looks better than my real breast.  I end up being really self-conscious if I wear anything tight (like my tank tops).  This damn post-mastectomy bra just might be more disfiguring than my new natural silhouette.  At least then it's "huh, she's only got one breast" instead of "those are some weird square boobs she's got."

I am literally and figuratively shit on at work.

Like a pubescent boy I catch myself staring at any exposed cleavage I see.  But unlike a pubescent boy, I am so filled with jealousy.  I wish I could just throw on an outfit.  I wish I could wear a cute sundress. The jealousy, it rages.  Money is too tight and I can't go buy any new clothes for this body, so instead I am very awkwardly trying to make my clothes work which makes me look like one of those "modest is hottest" women with all my weird layers of clothing.

I rearranged my work schedule - which was not easy - so I could attend the local support group for women with breast cancer, only to find that it had been canceled for this month.

In summation, I am a pimply-faced, ringworm-covered, square-boobed, awkardly-conservatively-dressed, green-eyed monster who just wants to scream to the world, "give me a fucking break, I just had fucking cancer!!!!!"  But there is no rest for the weary.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.