Happy Cancerversary To Me - Two Small Gifts Included

March 8, 2013 12pm - I was just waking up from my mastectomy, waiting for my husband and mother to come into the recovery room.

March 8, 2014 12pm - I was being wheeled down the hall for an emergency c-section, waiting for my children to be born.

What a difference a year makes!

March 7, 2014 - I had just gotten home when the phone rang and it was my OB on the other end.  Not the nurse, not the receptionist, the doctor.

Shit.

"We got your lab work back.  I was just discussing your case with my friend who is a Maternal Fetal Specialist in Chapel Hill......."

Case?  I have a case?

"...and you need to pack a bag and go straight to the hospital.  I'll meet you there."

Shiiiiiiit.

My very uneventful high risk twin pregnancy had suddenly become very serious.  I had pre-eclampsia and the lab work was worse every time they ran it.  The plan was one steroid shot that night, another steroid shot the next night, and delivery the third night.  I secretly felt like, being on medical bedrest, my body would calm down and it would be several days if not weeks before the babies came.  I at least wanted to wait until Monday when I would be 35 weeks pregnant.

The next morning, after more blood work, here came the doctor again.

"It's time.  Anesthesia is on its way."

Wait, NO!  But today is my cancerversary!!  I don't want sweet, innocent babies to be associated with cancer!

The pre-eclampsia had become HELLP syndrome, and suddenly all three of our lives were at stake.  Ready or not, here they came!

I was devastated that they were born early, and devastated I wasn't allowed to even see them until they were ten hours old, and devastated that I couldn't hold them until they were three and four days old.  And devastated they were born on my cancerversary.  Of all days, they had to be born on the first anniversary of my mastectomy.

But now that my preemies are thriving, and our rough start has been replaced with gummy smiles, deep belly laughs, and all the baby cuddling one could ever want - times two!! - I can appreciate my two cancerversary gifts.

After never having been able to get pregnant, I was suddenly pregnant less than five months after being diagnosed with breast cancer.

The first OB appointment to confirm the pregnancy was exactly six months after my mastectomy.

Two months later we received the shock of our lives to find that not only were we pregnant, we were spontaneously pregnant with twins!

And then those surprise twins were born exactly a year after my mastectomy, on my cancerversary.

Okay, God, I got it.  My life is not supposed to be about being afraid of cancer.  And I have TWO babies to remind me of that!  Thanks be to God.

I prayed for a miracle and I got two!

Brings all new meaning to the American Cancer Society's tag line - the official sponsor of birthdays!

A Lump & A Bump

BOOM!!

As much as I would like to wax philosophical about changing the image of cancer or about the ongoing struggle to accept a physical disfigurement, I am really short on time these days!  This picture is from February, so I gotta play blog catch up!

a lump and a bump is a Facebook page, and I highly recommend you check it out. She was my picture inspiration! (well, I straight up plagiarized it) Stephanie was diagnosed with Stage 3 Triple Negative breast cancer at age 30 while pregnant.  She blogged about her journey on her Facebook page and continues to raise awareness (the real kind, not the shallow pink ribbon kind) and knowledge about breast cancer.

Breast Changes with Pregnancy Part II, aka pregnancy after breast cancer is not for the faint of heart

Still catching up on blogging, so pretend this post is late February......

OMG I have nipple discharge.  *deep breaths*  The rational part of me says that this is colostrum and it's totally normal to leak colostrum in pregnancy, but the only other time in my life I've had nipple discharge was a few days before my mastectomy.

Pregnancy after breast cancer is not for the faint of heart!

Cancer and Love

First off, let's just pretend today is February 14, 2014, Valentine's Day, mmkay?

It's finally here.  It's been one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

One reason this blog post has taken so long to write is because I would have written very differently depending on even the time of day it was written.

About mid to late January it started to hit me that this anniversary was looming.  First anniversaries of bad things are always the worst, aren't they?  It's a painful rite of passage.  If you can get through "the first [fill in the blank]" sometimes the pain lessens on the other side.  Feeling the full weight of The First Anniversary of Diagnosis Day, at that point I decided I would title this post, "V Day? Try D Day!"

But as the week of Valentine's Day hit, I realized a lot of the details were fuzzy.  Did I find the tumor on the 12th, call the doctor's office on the 13th and go in first thing the 14th?  Or did I find it on the 13th, call first thing on the 14th and they had me come straight over?  I know the thin needle biopsy and core biopsy were on the 14th, but when did I have the mammogram and ultrasound?  There was some comfort in not remembering. I started to think, perhaps this date will have no power over me.

My husband, Music Man, was also keenly aware of the emotional landmine this day would bring.  And, fun fact for those of you who know him, today is also the first anniversary of the last time he shaved.  He had briefly grown a beard, shaved it much to my dismay, so he grew it again in a desperate attempt to find anything that would make me happy.  Anywho, last night Music Man gave us a little pep talk.  Valentine's Day is not going to be taken over by sad memories and cancer.  Valentine's Day is going to be Valentine's Day (being the romantic that he is, he's always loved this holiday).  We're not who we were a year ago.  Our lives are full of joy, and now full of excitement and anticipation as we are expecting twins in just a few weeks. I whole-heartedly agreed.  This date will have no power over me.

This morning I woke up and remembered it was Valentine's Day, and therefore it was the anniversary of the day I was diagnosed.......and that was about it.  It was a fleeting thought.  I had been at works for hours before I thought about it again.  But when I did finally think about it, memories came flooding back.  The dead silence in the room after the thin needle biopsy didn't aspirate fluid.  The look on my husband's face when he arrived at the doctor's office.  The nurse holding my hand as cried during the core biopsy.  The shock.  The fear.

Cue the storm cloud over my head.

I did bawl the whole drive home from work. I cried for my lost breast.  I cried for having to worry about cancer for the rest of my life. I cried over the thought of my babies growing up without a mother.

And then my sister sent me the sweetest text, and I hope she doesn't mind my sharing some of it:  "One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt, 'with the new day comes new strengths and new thought.' I think there is so much irony in this day.  Cancer and love.  When something so unexpected and horrible happened to you, you had the love of Music Man, your parents, family, siblings, friends, random people praying for you, and next year you'll have the twins to comfort you on this anniversary. You are so blessed and so so so loved."  She's exactly right.

Surgical Oncology - One Year Later

A couple of weeks ago I got the card in the mail: I was scheduled for a mammogram and then follow up appointment with my surgical oncologist February 24th.  I happily called the office to inform them I was pregnant and was told, "we'll cancel the mammogram and if the doctor has any concerns he can do an ultrasound in the office."  Ugh.  I remember that ultrasound machine.  Just over one year ago I was in his office crying while he used the ultrasound machine to perform the core biopsy.  I had been thinking of this appointment as a sort of victory lap.  A one year follow up.  Somehow I had forgotten the purpose is to look for cancer.

When the day of the appointment came, I did NOT NOT NOT want to go. The day before was our baby shower, which was really more like a downpour!  We were ridiculously spoiled by our families with practically everything we need, want and could ever hope for.  After a day of reveling in tiny little outfits, and tiny little diapers, and tiny little socks, the last thing I wanted to do was to go to the doctor and talk about cancer.  Music Man practically had to drag me in there.

After waiting an hour in the waiting room and another half hour in the exam room, the doctor finally came in.  He was very excited to hear (and see!) that we're expecting twins.  I wanted to say, "you did this to me!  You're the one who made me go off birth control!" but I was practically rendered mute in fear.  He did the most comprehensive breast exam in the whole wide world - on both sides - and declared that the only thing he found was that my breast is engorged!  I told him how sometimes my ribs ache - to put it mildly - on the mastectomy side, but, like the medical oncologist, he was not concerned.

Big sigh of relief!

In 5-6 months they're going to send me the card again for a mammogram and follow up appointment.  If I'm still breastfeeding, he said to cancel the mammogram again and just come in for the appointment with him.

And then I bolted out of there!

Blogger has a neat function where I can see how many hits my blog gets a day and from what source.  My blog gets about 30 hits a day, most of them through google searches about breast cancer.  I have shared way more on this blog than I ever have in real life, in the hopes of reaching other young women with breast cancer, because there's just not a lot out here for us.  In that same spirit, I'll share with you how my mastectomy scar looks like a year later.

Pretty good, right?!  It was hot pink for maybe as much as six months and then finally started to fade.  The brownish part in the middle is just a tiny bit of areola - it darkened with pregnancy too.  When it was still pink, and my scar was still pink, I just thought it was a deeper part of the scar.  It was probably August of last year before I realized that that little part was nipple.  I haven't used any creams like Mederma to make it fade faster.  The most I've done is swipe it with a little bit of my belly butter because sometimes it looks dry. I think it's interesting that, even though I've gained 50 pounds with pregnancy, you can still see my ribs.  They really did take the whole thing!

Do you have major anxiety when going to the oncologist's office?  How does your scar look?  For those of you further along on the journey, how does your scar look years later?

Breastfeeding class surprise

Today I am 31 weeks' pregnant, and Music Man and I "celebrated" by attending a breastfeeding class.  Having twins complicates the whole breastfeeding-with-just-one-breast thing, and I have mostly made my peace with the fact that I'll be supplementing formula with breast milk rather than the other way around.  Sacrificing my dream of exclusively breastfeeding is such a small price to pay for being cancer-free and having surprise twins!  (Do I sound like believe that?  Good.  I'm maybe 85% of the way there, and that's okay.  It's okay to mourn old dreams so that you can move on and welcome new ones)

We need these!  From Nestingproject

Crammed in a doctor's office lobby, we learned all about hind milk and football holds and monitoring wet diapers, when the conversation turned to breast care.  The instructor says, "while breastfeeding you may develop a hard lump in your breast.  It may become red and tender to the touch.  What should you do if this happens?"

My entire body tensed.  Tears stung my eyes.  Hold it together, people are going to think you're having some weird hormonal breakdown.  Wait, am I having a weird hormonal breakdown?

I should add Friday will be one year since I was diagnosed with DCIS.

Turns out the instructor was describing a clogged milk duct and mastitis.  While I was busy biting my lip and trying to not let tears spill over, I did learn that you can still breastfeed if you have mastitis - not saying you want to, but it's possible.  That's good for a one-breasted gal since there's not a back up breast.

I'm going to go ahead and call it now: I will flip my shit if I find a hard, tender breast lump!  I've said it before, but dealing with pregnancy's breast changes when you've already had breast cancer is harrowing enough.  If I freaking find a lump.........well, I don't know what I'd do, but I don't think I'd be calm about it.  It wasn't supposed to be cancer last time either. Fortunately I have a lot of support, and both my medical oncologist and my OB/GYN have said I can come by anytime if I find anything unusual with my breast and get it checked out.  And when I see my surgical oncologist in a few weeks, I'm sure he'll say the same thing.

So, heads up - if you're pregnant after breast cancer, the breastfeeding class is full of small triggers, and one big one!

Bra stuffing, post-mastectomy style!

You know the giant post-mastectomy bra that you typically wear for ten weeks after surgery?  It's been ten months, and I'm still stuck in it.  While I'm cleared to be fit for a prosthesis and insurance will pay for six mastectomy bras a year (!!!!!), there's that pesky co-pay and my budget for non-essentials is -$0, if such a number even exists.  So I'm stuck with the stupid "first form" and my one post-mastectomy bra, which looks to be as tired of me as I am of it.

Being pregnant hasn't really helped the situation.  The once enormous post-mastectomy bra is now struggling to keep up with the pregnancy changes.  And the "first form," which was once larger than my breast, now looks teeny tiny.  As a result, I look pretty lopsided.  Add in to the mix that fact that I'm still getting used to having just one breast plus all the physical changes of pregnancy and you end up in a pretty weird place when it comes to body image.  At a time when I'm supposed to feel my most womanly, I'm missing a breast and everyone can tell something is up in the boobage department.  Le sigh.

Today it hit me: I need to stuff my bra!!

Now I am no stranger to bra stuffing.  When I was fourteen I stole my mother's shoulder pads so I could attempt to fill out my cotillion dress.  I revived the practice on and off until I finally discovered the push-up bra when I was 25.  It's still in my drawer, I just can't bring myself to throw it away.

First I took a fluffy sock and stuffed my bra with it.  Too big.  I was lopsided but in the other direction.  Next try: a trouser sock.

I laid the trouser sock out flat, folded it in half, folded it in half again, then put the sock between the "first form" (can you tell I think that is a ridiculous name?!) and back lining to the holder pocket.  So when the bra is on, it's in the pocket but between my chest and the "first form."

The trouser sock worked perfectly!!!  I felt so much more confident all day today!  Instead of seeing my reflection and immediately feeling a pang of regret that I don't look "normal" and feeling cheated by life and all the other complicated emotions that come with losing a breast, I marveled at just how normal I looked!  I looked at my profile from the right, then from the left, and they match!

Life after breast cancer is about making the best with what you've got.  Sometimes it's something profound, and sometimes it's stuffing your bra with a sock.

Breast Changes with Pregnancy

Being pregnant after having breast cancer has brought up all sorts of fears and continuing body image issues.

I'll start with the body image issues.  At first it was exciting to see my breast getting bigger.  I had always wanted to be just a little more endowed, and I was finally getting my wish.

Except...there's only one.  And I'm bound, quite literally, by the post-mastectomy bra.  It's not like I can show off cleavage or go bra shopping.  Instead, my breast is now bigger than the First Form making me look uneven, and it's not all that comfortable to stuff a sore breast in a too-small bra.  So I feel like instead of enjoying this little pregnancy perk, I'm reminded even more of what I've lost.

I don't mean to sound like I'm having a pity party.  I kind of did my first trimester, I won't lie.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It sucks that such an exciting time has to be tainted by breast cancer and can't be "normal."  Sometimes you just have to wallow before you can move on.

Beyond the cosmetic changes, my breast is changing.  Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it hurts with stabbing pain. Although rare for breast cancer, pain was my first symptom, so breast pain in pretty concerning to me!

Also, the whole "know your breast(s)" through self-exam is out the window right now.  I'm a little obsessive right now about the self-exams, probably doing one every two weeks.  When I do a self-exam now, my breast is full of changes, including all sorts of stuff that wasn't there before!

For me, my DCIS tumor when 2cm when I found it, 7cm two weeks later at the MRI, and 8 cm a week later at the mastectomy.  I don't know how such a large tumor was not invasive!  So when I feel a change in my breast, I'm thinking this an emergency and needs immediate attention.

Except everything I'm describing - the pain, the extra "stuff" - is all perfectly normal for pregnancy.  Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I made sure to bring it up with my OB. He was actually really cool about it and took it as seriously as was needed.  Before I could even finish asking which doctor should I call if I do get concerned, their office or the oncologist's, he responded with call the OB's office first.  It wasn't in a "I'm going to cut you off because you're being silly way" but in a "I totally understand your fear and confusion, and here's your answer."  He also wanted to know when my last mammogram was and when my last exam by a doctor was.  And then finally he said that in pregnancy, the breasts are prepared for breastfeeding by 20-23 weeks.  Additionally, with a twin pregnancy, my body is at 2-3 weeks ahead of the babies' gestational age.  Since I was 17 weeks at the appointment, that means my body is acting more like I'm at 19-20 weeks, so my breast is in full on getting ready for breastfeeding mode.  He was very reassuring and not remotely brushing me off, exactly the response I needed.

Have you been pregnant after breast cancer?  Or have breast cancer during pregnancy?  How did you handle breast changes with pregnancy?

Exercise: Yoga for Cancer Survivors

In that horrible three week wait between my DCIS diagnosis and my mastectomy, my very awesome friend Anna took me a yoga class. I LOVED it!  I've kind of dabbled with meditation and with yoga DVDs, but it was nothing compared to this class.  I vowed to continue yoga as soon as I was cleared post-op.

Once I was cleared for physical activity, beyond those post-op stretches, I just couldn't quite bring myself to sign up for a yoga class.  I was still working on range of motion on the mastectomy side and didn't want to call attention to myself with having to modify the poses.  I was worried, rightly or wrongly, that if I told the instructor I was recovering from breast cancer, the instructor would in someway pontificate about the benefits of yoga, mind/body connection, and somehow imply that I could have prevented the cancer.  And then there was the whole issue of what to wear.  At that point I had great disdain for the post-mastectomy bra and would rip it off as soon as I walked in the house, so I knew I wouldn't want to wear it at yoga.  But I also knew I would be too self-conscious to not wear it, and be focused the whole time on my chest and if anyone was looking at me, instead of "being present" for yoga.

I might not like that damn bra, but the dog thinks it's a great pillow!

So much for continuing yoga.

Being in nonprofit management, I diligently read the "community news" section of the paper each day to see what's going on in the nonprofit community.  About a month ago, there was a little blurb about a free yoga class for cancer survivors the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month at a local art gallery.

I have very conflicting emotions about cancer survivorship.  On one hand, I had a mastectomy.  I only have one breast.  I have to deal with the threat of cancer for the rest of my life.  The world is now a scary, carcinogenic place.  On the other, I got off easy.  I only had a mastectomy.  I'm surgically cured.  I didn't have to have radiation, or chemo, or adjuvant therapy.  I feel like I belong in the survivorship world, and don't belong all at the same time.  Add to that my age.  I just can't hear, "but you're so young!' one more time.

But yoga, and free yoga, was enough for me to bite the bullet to contact the cancer survivorship coordinator listed in the paper.

And oh boy did she get excited!  She wanted me to come to a free dinner for breast cancer survivors, and to walk in the breast cancer fundraiser...I politely declined and asked her to register me for the yoga class and the cooking class, thinking maybe I can get past some of this fear of food.

When I told my husband that I was going to go to yoga for cancer survivors, and it was free, he immediately said, "you better wear your sports bra, because they're going to think you're just trying to scam them for a free class."

Finally the day came, and I wore my yoga pants (only wore once!), sports bra, and "cancer sucks" shirt.  I hoped I looked the part.

And sure enough, I was quizzed as to my "relationship with cancer" and ended up smoothing down my shirt on my left side so everyone could see I'm part of the club!  And then, everything was amazing!!!

It was inspiring!  We went around the room, and one woman is a 26 year survivor of thyroid cancer and 14 year survivor of breast cancer.  Another is a 5 year survivor of liver cancer.  Another is in active treatment for 5 years for leukemia.  And another had breast cancer, but I didn't catch how long ago.  They were all living their lives, most of them obviously affected by cancer and cancer surgeries, but they were embracing life!

The yoga class itself was great, too!  The class' focus is on breathing with light stretching - much more about the mind and body connection than exercise - but there's a strong current of healing emanating through the room.

After the class, the two breast cancer survivors literally cornered me to ask about my breast cancer experience and to find out if I was going to do reconstruction.  The reconstruction answer is an emphatic no, by the way.  They told me all about their prostheses and where to go.  Evidently there's a place about an hour away that has a large selection of bras.  One even offered to drive me there!

One of them had a mastectomy on one side like me, and she warned me that it gets harder as you get older.  Your natural breast succumbs to gravity; the prosthesis does not.  So she is battling breast asymmetry with one perky "breast" and eventually asked for a more weighted prosthesis to try and even her out.

At the yoga class this week, the other lady brought me flyer from our state's Susan G Komen office including the contact information for their social worker, because she knew I was having trouble finding a prosthesis fitter who would take my insurance.  

And that's what I'm missing out on by feeling "not cancery enough" to be a "true" survivor.  I thought I would be shunned because I didn't have the full cancer experience, and instead these women have embraced me, giving me invaluable advice on issues no one who isn't a breast cancer survivor can really understand.

Have you embraced survivorship?  Do you feel likewise awkward to get involved due to age or stage? What kinds of survivorship services are in your area?

And the surprises keep on coming!

The plan for 2013 was to get pregnant. After years of the timing not being right or not having enough money, my husband and I had decided the timing would never be right, and we were never going to have enough money.  We were going to leap and hope the net appeared.  Last Christmas we giggled that it would be our last Christmas without either a baby or one on the way and in January I started to take prenatal vitamins.  The plan was in motion.

And then I had this pesky ache in my left breast.....  The breast cancer diagnosis was devastating.  I finally had maternity insurance.  I was finally ready to get serious about trying to conceive.  And now instead of working to create life, I was working on saving mine.

My first question to both my surgical oncologist and my medical oncologist was, "am I allowed to get pregnant?"  They both had the same answer, using almost exactly the same words, "Yes. You must have annual mammograms, and you can never go back on the birth control pill, and beyond that, it's up to you. The birth control pill can't cause cancer, but your breasts have already demonstrated the ability to produce cancer [I will never forget that statement for as long as I live].  If there is a seed of cancer, then the birth control pill is the fertilizer that will cause it to grow."

In April it seemed like the plan was back on.  And then in May I had a crazy ringworm outbreak and had to go on oral medication to stop the outbreak - oral medication that could cause birth defects.  I wasn't allowed to get pregnant while on the medication, nor for four weeks afterwards.

At this point I was getting antsy.  When I was just 19, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and I've had two surgeries to remove endometriosis from my uterus and bladder.  Since endometriosis is the leading cause of infertility,  my OB/GYB has been on me since about age 24 to get pregnant now or be prepared for that fertility window to close.  I remember kind of arguing with her because she didn't seem to think Eric's being in college to be a good enough reason to delay getting pregnant!  She also didn't think the lack of maternity insurance was a good reason either.  In an effort to slow down the endometriosis and preserve my fertility, I've been on a medium-high strength birth control pill for about 10 years.  At age 29, she found a complex cyst on my right ovary, and I ended up having surgery to remove it...including the affected ovary and Fallopian tube.  The doctor assured me "that's why God gives you two" and my left ovary would step up to the plate.

So with one ovary, one breast, and endometriosis growing rampantly, unchecked by the birth control pill, I knew my window was closing and it was time to get serious.  I bought an ovulation predictor kit.

Ten days later, my husband and I were staring at a faint second line indicating a positive pregnancy test.  Heretofore referred to as clue #1.  His first words were, "shit just got real."

At my first OB appointment, I very confidently stated the date on my last period, and I knew exactly when I ovulated, and come to find out you don't get a dating ultrasound if you're confident on the dates.  Take it from me, lie like there is no tomorrow if you ever in this position!

At my 12 week appointment, we were finally going to get to hear the the heartbeat.  I knew there was a chance the baby could still be too small to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler and to not get upset if they had trouble finding a heartbeat.  Instead, within 2 seconds of putting the wand on my stomach, the sound of a strong heartbeat immediately filled the room.  We'll call that clue #2.

At this point I was already "showing."  While it was kind of fun at first to have this little pooch, and my husband and I were the only ones who knew why, after a while I started to feel a little self-conscious. I was looking undoubtedly pregnant at three months! And then there were the "you are definitely showing!" and "are you sure there aren't twins in there?" and "you're HOW far along?!" comments.  Clue #4.

The stress and fear following my mastectomy had resulted in my having a somewhat significant weight loss, but with pregnancy I was putting that weight back on like a champ!  I gained nine pounds in five weeks! Clue #5. And that didn't even make that much sense to me, because I was really struggling to eat, and to eat anything high in calories, due to morning sickness - morning sickness that only got worse as I headed into the second trimester.  Clue #6.

At 16 weeks I very clearly felt the baby for the first time - a quick kick followed by a smaller movement.  I knew it was early to feel movement, and to not expect to feel the baby again for days or weeks.  Instead, I started feeling the baby every day, sometimes several times a day.  And just a few days after I felt the baby's first kick, my husband had his hand on my stomach and he felt a kick.  That is way ahead of schedule!  Clue #7.

So last week was my 17 week anatomy scan.  I was an absolute wreck going into this appointment. I could just feel it in my bones that this appointment was not going to go as expected.  I just kept saying to my husband, "we're not lucky people."  And he readily agreed!  When I said I was really worried there was a birth defect, especially since we got pregnant just a few weeks after being on the medicine that could cause birth defects, he said maybe we would luck up and it would just be a little one.  The day of the scan I made sure I didn't have any sugar, or juice, or anything else that could cause the baby to move a lot and prevent our being able to get a good scan of whatever it was that I was so nervous about.  While we were waiting in the waiting room, I was feeling a ton of movement...so much for that plan!

When we were finally called back for the scan, I started joking in a self-deprecating manner with the tech that we would finally find out if there really were twins in there!  As she started the scan, she saw immediately that my placenta is close to the cervix, and if it doesn't move out of the way, then I will have to have a c-section.  Since I was preparing for a natural, unmedicated birth, this came as bad news, but I knew this wasn't THE news that I so nervous about.  I still had this nagging feeling that something was just...off.  Then the tech starts the rest of the scan, and it went just like this:

Me: We definitely want to find out the sex!
Tech: Do you have a feeling of what it is?
Me: Sometimes I think boy, sometimes I think girl.  I had a dream where I was having a girl and then later in the dream the baby was a boy.  My husband here said that means we're having boy/girl twins - haha!
Tech: (very quietly) Is this your first scan?
(My husband said later he couldn't hear her, and he was trying to figure out what she said)
Me: (snapping my head up to the screen to see a head, a line and then a spine) OH MY GOD ARE THERE TWO?!?! (Husband snaps his head to the screen)
Tech: Hold on, let me see if there are more...yes, you're having twins!
Me and my husband: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm sure everyone on that side of the building heard us)
Tech: We'll call this one Baby A, and this one Baby B.  Baby A is a boy, and....Baby B is a girl!  You're having boy/girl twins!

And immediately I felt a sense of relief.  I knew with every fiber of my being this appointment was going to be...different.  Turns out I already have some mother's intuition after all!  And no wonder I had no strong feeling on whether we were having a boy or girl!

I had prayed and prayed and prayed to God, pleading that I stay pregnant, and stay pregnant with a healthy baby.  I had just had all the sorrow I could take for this year.

My entire adult life I've been told it would be very difficult for me to conceive, and yet I got pregnant the first time we really seriously "tried" by using the ovulation predictor kit.  And I got pregnant and stayed pregnant with just one ovary.  And I'm pregnant with twins, right away, stayed pregnant with twins, all with just one ovary.  And one breast.  Thanks be to God.

Ready to see the babies?

They're head to head, probably already plotting against us.

Baby Boy just hanging out

Baby Girl waves hello! And I think that's Baby Boy on the right.....

What an eventful year!  We won't be celebrating Christmas as planned with a baby, nor with a baby on the way.  Rather, we'll be celebrating with babies on the way!  Thanks be to God.

Happy Six Month Cancerversary, Part II

For my six month cancerversary, I received a pretty awesome present, but I'm getting ahead of myself.....

September 9th I had an appointment at my OB/GYN's office - the same office that first diagnosed with me DCIS.  I was so nervous about my appointment that I took not one, but two wrong turns getting there!  As I pulled into the parking lot, there was a flood of unexpected emotion.  I started to pull into the same parking spot I parked in on d-day - diagnosis day - and then quickly whipped around to park in a different part of the lot.  As I sat in the lobby, I remembered back to six plus months ago when I was stunned by the news and waiting for my husband to arrive.

But this time he was sitting right next to me.  This appointment was much, much different because........

It was my very first OB visit!!!!!

When I called in early August to schedule the appointment, as soon as she said, "what about September 9th?" I immediately recognized the date as six months from the mastectomy and said, "that will be perfect."

As I was going over my medical history with the midwife, I asked to make sure my GYN knew that I had been there and why, and she jumped up and said she'd go get her right then.  Less than a minute later, my GYN barges into the room squealing and hugging me (and reminding me the importance of monthly self-breast exams).  A minute after that, her nurse who, six plus months ago brought me a cup of water in a real glass which was my first tip off something really was wrong, comes barging in and the squealing and hugging continues.  A minute after that, the nurse's assistant who, six plus months ago took my blood pressure when I first arrived and I was a ball of nerves and half-way crying because I was so nervous, barges in with more hugging and squealing.  It was SO MUCH FUN!

The question they all wanted to know, plus you may be wondering too, is "is it safe for you to be pregnant?"
If I had been diagnosed with a hormone-positive type of breast cancer, there probably would have been a huge proceed with caution flag.  Most young women who have breast cancer are diagnosed in pregnancy or after childbirth with a hormone-positive cancer that grew because of the hormone surges in pregnancy (I have read this, but cannot find a source to site right now).  Please note: there has to be the cancer seed, and then the hormones are the fertilizer. Pregnancy can't cause cancer.

But since I had a HER2/neu diagnosis, not to mention I am surgically cured, I was given the green light by both my surgical oncologist and my medical oncologist.

That being said, I haven't exactly been worry-free about the whole thing.  My breast is changing, which makes self-exams and "knowing your breast(s)" not quite as easy.  I have had pain both in my breast and on the mastectomy side.  Pain was my first symptom of the DCIS, and of course I'm terrified of a recurrence in the form of bone cancer.  In both cases the pain went away after a few hours.

And then there's the fear that I'll have a recurrence and my child will grow up either without a mother or his/her only memories of me will be a sick and dying mother.  When those fears creep in, I just tell myself nothing in life is for certain and to enjoy each day as it comes.

I have not yet gotten my prosthesis for many reasons, chief among them I am having breast changes and insurance pays for one prosthesis a year. I've been waiting till things level out a little bit and I could be fit reasonably well for a symmetrical prosthesis.

And speaking of the prosthesis, I have a feeling as I get late in pregnancy and in the early breastfeeding days, I am not going to want to fool with it!  I haven't even investigated to see if they make nursing mastectomy bras, but I can pretty much guess what that answer is going to be. My plan right now is convert nursing bras into one cup bras, wear a pink ribbon pin over the left side, and call it day.  Because pregnancy, nursing and prosthesis, ain't nobody got time for that!

I've lost an ovary and Fallopian tube to a dermoid cyst/endometriosis, and I've lost a breast to cancer. I don't exactly feel ALL woman, or at least I didn't.  But now I can set my sights on the future, because I've got a little pumpkin on the way!

Happy Six Month Cancerversary to me!

Today it has been six months since my mastectomy!  Six months today I was surgically cured!  Six months today I am cancer-free!*  Happy Six Month Cancerversary to me!!!

With the HER2/neu diagnosis, I have a 95% 5 year survival rate, and I'm finally starting to settle into being part of the 95%, instead of feeling like I'm just waiting around for it to recur.  Part of that is due to the possible reclassification of DCIS, which one of these days, hopefully soon, I'll have a post on!

Since I have the most conservative oncologist on the planet, I finally had my surgery follow up appointment about three weeks ago.  What a difference six months makes!  I was still the only patient under 55.  I still had all eyes in the waiting room on me.  But this time I had my head held high...because I beat it!  Cancer tried to cop a feel, so I kicked its ass!!!  I think every single employee at the oncologist's office came out to say hello to me.  When you're the thirty-one year old at the breast cancer office, everyone knows who you are!

My incision is healing up very well, and has now faded from bright pinkish-red to a light pinkish-purple.  The oncologist gave Rightie the most comprehensive breast exam I've ever had and said he'd send me off for a mammogram in February followed by an appointment for the results in his office.

Triumphant, my husband and I walked towards the check-out when I realized...the prosthesis!!!!  I didn't have my prescription!!!  The whole reason for this appointment, in my eyes at least, was to be cleared for the prosthesis.  Fortunately we were able to flag him down and get the necessary prescription.  Whew!!!

I haven't yet made the appointment for the prosthesis fitting.  The clinic where I was fit for my post-mastectomy bra no longer takes my insurance, so now I have to go to a local pharmacy for the fitting.  A pharmacy?!  It doesn't sound very private.  I'm just really not feeling it.  Neither is my bank account.  Until my bank account and I are ready for the pharmacy fitting, I'll just keep on trucking with my now ratty, bleached out post-mastectomy bra.


Do you celebrate your cancerversary?  Do you do it from the date of diagnosis or the day you finished treatment?  Do you feel like all eyes are on you at the oncologist's office?  What was your prosthesis fitting like?

*Technically I'm not considered cancer-free until 4 1/2 years from now, but cancer-free just makes me feel better than saying I'm in remission.  Remission makes it sound like a recurrence is inevitable.  Like, I don't have cancer NOW, but...........  I'm just going to declare myself cancer-free and put it out there for the universe to know!

Countdown has begun!

ONE MONTH FROM TODAY is my next appointment with my oncologist - well, one of them - and I should be cleared to be fit for a prosthesis!  One. More. Month!!!!

And with the prosthesis a whole new world opens up........  Thin straps!  Lacey!  Feminine!  Matching panties!  And PURPLE!!!!!!

What kind of prosthesis did you get - the adhesive one or the pocket one?  With a nipple or without?  Do you still wear the "first form" and when?

Exercise: Trying something new

One of the leading recommendations for cancer prevention is thirty minutes of exercise daily.  Two weeks after my mastectomy when I was cleared for exercise, I developed a plan.  I was going to start exercising thirty minutes a day three days a week, of course blog all about the different types of exercises I was doing, and work up to exercising daily.  From the lack of blogging on this issue, you can already guess how this has turned out.

The first day I decided I was going to do calisthenics that focused on the lower body with names like "the big booty buster."  I was lunging and kicking and squatting and jumping (and gasping and sweating and grunting) for thirty minutes.

And then I was so sore I could barely walk for the next three days, thus ending my "new exercise regimen."

Two months later my dad was visiting and told me all about the 5k training program he and my stepmother are doing.  I have kind of tried to get into running before (if jogging once and feeling like I was dying after .2 miles counts) and just decided running wasn't for me.

But my dad said that most people can't just step outside their door and start running.  The 5k training program he is doing is similar to the Couch to 5k program.  I'll go into more detail below, but the bottom line is you do intervals of jogging and walking, starting off with short intervals jogging followed by several minutes of walking and building up to longer intervals of jogging than walking.  When we did the 5k, we could easily spot the runners who were doing set intervals of jogging and running.  They didn't look particularly peaked, and suddenly running didn't seem so impossible.

And there's always an app for that - my dad showed me a running app that tracks your distance, time, calories burned, average pace, and more.

The next weekend my husband and I started our own 5k training program.  We started out jogging for one minute, then walking for three minutes...and learned the hard way that you really should stretch and do a warm-up walk.  Two weeks later we started jogging for one minute, then walking for two minutes.  And two weeks later we are jogging for two minutes and walking for two minutes.

Look at us go!
Original source

And you know what?  It has been awesome!  Here's why I love running, or whatever it is we're doing:

• it's something new to concentrate on, instead of cancer.
• it's one-on-one time with my husband without any interruptions, except for those pesky jogging intervals.
• it's something new for us to do together.
• I feel in charge of my body again.
• I have more self-confidence. 
• I feel less anxious.  I didn't realize this until we went 11 days without training.
• there's an instant reward of having run faster, or longer, or farther (just 1 of the 3 at this point)
• being outside is just good for the soul.

Plus, a new study just came out proving why exercise prevents breast cancer.  When the study first came out two months ago, I thought it was about lowering the risk for estrogen-positive breast cancer, but now I can't find where I read that.  So, if you're Her2/neu positive like me (...yay...) then we're still protected!

I still have designs of exercising every day, and maybe one day I'll do 3 reps of 10 sets of "big booty busters" but for now:

5K for Ovarian Cancer Awareness

Two years ago, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so last year I made a donation in her honor to the Bright Night 5K for Ovarian Cancer Awareness and volunteered for the event by passing out water to the participants.  This year, with the whole "thirty minutes of exercise daily" hanging over my head, I decided to participate.

Also, since ovarian and breast cancer are linked through the BRCA gene mutations, I was expecting to see lots of teal and pink and "I walk for me" "I walk for my sister" kinds of shirts.  I was so excited to finally find "my community" and not feel so alone in this post-cancer journey.  I even found a shirt I was planning on buying and wearing.  But alas, cancer is expensive and I didn't have the funds to buy it.

Cute, right?  You can get the ribbon on the left or the right side.
I found it here, but at the time of this post, the link isn't working.

The weekend of the Bright Nights 5k, my dad was visiting.  He and my stepmother regularly train for and participate in 5ks in a program similar to the Couch to 5k program.  I, on the other hand, do not, so "we" decided we would just walk the 5k.

As we pulled in the parking lot, the rain that had been off and on all day, was back on.  I lamented that I didn't have the "something missing" shirt so that "my community" could easily identify me as one of them and we could do the "what's up" head nod or whatever it is people in the cancer club do, but I did go without the "first form."  I eagerly looked around the crowd for the teal and pink...

...but I couldn't identify anyone as having had ovarian or breast or any other type of cancer.  Not to say they weren't there, but there wasn't anyone wearing a "I wear teal for me" shirt, etc.  Of course, neither was I.  And boy was I glad I wasn't wearing the "something missing" shirt because I would have stuck out like a sore thumb.  As more time passes, I will probably be okay with that.  But as of right now, I just don't want to be "that poor girl who had cancer."  I am guessing "my community" is out there, but stayed home because of the rain.

Anyways, the race was delayed due to thunder and lightening, and it rained the whole time.  The WHOLE time.  After mile 1 I seriously questioned my decision to do a 5k with no preparation.  After mile 2 I thought we were never going to see the finish line.  And after mile 3 I was hooked!

Me (doing the tall girl slouch & head tilt) and my dad.

Pity, Party of One

I'm back!  I would apologize for not writing in so long, but the truth is I have been writing several posts - I just get too tired to finish them.  There have been 200 hits on my blog since my last post, so I can't keep you waiting any longer!  Upcoming posts include, I ran walked a 5k for ovarian cancer awareness, I have the pink ribbon blues,  my thoughts on being one-breasted and night drinking recipes to share.

But in the meantime, I am having a pity party.  I didn't throw myself a pity party.  In fact, I've been desperately avoiding said pity party because I know I have so much to be grateful for, but surprise!  Pity has thrown me a party anyways. The whole impact of the "lost a breast to cancer" is hitting me full force.  Sometimes it's the cancer thing, sometimes it's the breast asymmetry thing, sometimes it's all rolled together.

My face is completely broken out as my body is in turmoil after going off the birth control pill.  I am more broken out now that I ever, ever was as a teenager.

I have ringworm.  One patch of scaly skin comes to mind, right?  Well I am up to like 30 patches of ringworm.  Not. Cute.  I got one little patch of ringworm from a client at work on my neck, and thinking it was the aforementioned acne, didn't treat it for two weeks, and then BOOM!  It's everywhere!  What the hell is wrong with me that I have a ringworm epidemic?!  I have so many new spots appearing that I went to the doctor to go on the oral medication.  And since the fungal spores can still be active or whatever the word is for the next 2-4 weeks, I am having to wash everything I come in contact with - sheets, clothes, towels, pillows - in hot water and bleach and let it sit in the soak cycle so the detergent will break down the spores.  Every. Day.  That makes for a whole lot of laundry when you can only wear pajama bottoms once or use a towel once. And don't forget I only have one bra until August, so every night I either spray it down anti-fungal spray or go through the whole new crazy laundry routine.  Other than the original spot on my neck, all the spots are on my torso.  I think the most likely scenario is that when I was drying off the ringworm got on my towel, and I spread it everywhere over the next couple of days until I changed my towel.  But I still keep blaming my health, since ringworm happens to immuno-suppressed people.  Am I not taking care of myself well enough?  What the hell is happening?!!?

I've lost 15 pounds since I was fit for the post-mastectomy bra, so now my one breast doesn't fill out the cup and the cup collapses on itself and it looks like my one real breast is square.  It's a bad day with the "first form" looks better than my real breast.  I end up being really self-conscious if I wear anything tight (like my tank tops).  This damn post-mastectomy bra just might be more disfiguring than my new natural silhouette.  At least then it's "huh, she's only got one breast" instead of "those are some weird square boobs she's got."

I am literally and figuratively shit on at work.

Like a pubescent boy I catch myself staring at any exposed cleavage I see.  But unlike a pubescent boy, I am so filled with jealousy.  I wish I could just throw on an outfit.  I wish I could wear a cute sundress. The jealousy, it rages.  Money is too tight and I can't go buy any new clothes for this body, so instead I am very awkwardly trying to make my clothes work which makes me look like one of those "modest is hottest" women with all my weird layers of clothing.

I rearranged my work schedule - which was not easy - so I could attend the local support group for women with breast cancer, only to find that it had been canceled for this month.

In summation, I am a pimply-faced, ringworm-covered, square-boobed, awkardly-conservatively-dressed, green-eyed monster who just wants to scream to the world, "give me a fucking break, I just had fucking cancer!!!!!"  But there is no rest for the weary.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

Fashion: Tank Tops!

Like a mirage in the desert, I have found tank tops that will fit a Tall Girl AND provide enough coverage to not show the post-mastectomy bra!  What?!  Looks like someone is going to be showing off some serious clavicle!!

My first "score" was, oddly enough, at the local Target!  

Mossimo Women's Microrib Tanks!

I got one in the color shown and a black one.  They are plenty long.  Like, I am 5'10 1/2" and  it covers my entire torso and hips.  As long as I don't pull down on it too much, it covers the post-mastectomy bra! I've worn them plain and dressed them up with a light sweater.  Target did have lots of summer sweaters and even a little shrug cardigan if you wanted to make sure those ugly post-mastectomy bra straps don't show.  

It is low-cut enough that if anyone were able to see down the shirt a little bit (but not very likely - an advantage of being tall!), someone who was really paying attention could probably see breast tissue on one side and flatness on the other.  I recently had lunch with a bunch of people I hadn't seen since before the mastectomy and I wore a scarf over the tank top to head off The Look.  You know The Look, right?  It's the "I just saw you but first I'm going scan your bust and see if I can tell anything is different" look.  The scarf over the tank top gave me coverage , but I didn't have that "modest is hotest" thing I've unfortunately been working.

The other tank top score came from a family member!  She had surgery a couple of years ago and couldn't wear a bra during recovery, so she bought some of these.

Women's Microfiber Full-Coverage Perfect-Fit Cami from Norm Thompson

Wait!!!  I know that picture is...less than flattering shall we say.  Is she wearing pajama pants?  Can we get her lipstick and some earrings?  But bear with me!!  This camisole has lightly padded cups with underwire (which my dear family member removed from the mastectomy side for me) and has a bra closure in the back (not visible).  I can wear it with the post-mastectomy bra, but of course the straps show, so I could wear it as a nice base layer.  BUT, because this thing has a bra in it and is full-coverage, I put my "first form" in the cup and just wear the camisole sans post-mastectomy bra.  I have your attention now, right?!  The two that I have are hand-me-downs, and I assume they've been dried in the dryer countless times (we tall girls line dry everything, amirite?), and they hit me right in that zone of just barely being long enough but am probably going to tug at all the time to make sure.  After I order my own, I'll report back on the length.  You order them according to your bra size, and they are also available in cotton. 

Have you found any full-coverage tank tops?  Do you obsessively line dry everything, too?  How do you handle The Look?

Recipe: Day Drinking

What is Day Drinking, you may ask?  Day Drinks consist of beverages that you can pour in a water bottle and take with you to work.  Day Drinking is different than Night Drinking (think mocktails) and should not be confused with Day or Night Dranking (alcoholic).  Since we're all about cancer prevention, we're avoiding soda, artificial colors, artificial preservatives and "natural flavors."

Day Drinking is important.  We all know we should drink eight glasses of fluid a day. Remember a hydrated body is one that is flushing toxins OUT.  So let's step up the Day Drinking!

Fortunately - and unfortunately - I have a lot of experience with Day Drinking. I have never had a job with air conditioning.  Never.  Annnnnd I live in the South. Over the last nine sweltering, dehydrating, heat-related illness-ing summers, I've learned that if I pack a water bottle (or three) with just water, I will only drink from it if I'm really super thirsty.  Otherwise, meh.  Water is boring.  Here's what I do to make things more interesting:

Fruit-infused water or homemade vitamin water
There is no need to buy pricey, chemical-y vitamin water.  You can make your own!  Vitamins are water soluable, so by adding fruit or even vegetables or herbs to your water, you can make a nutritious and delicious Day Drink!

Pinterest is full of recipes for fruit-infused water, but really, this is not one of things that you need a recipe for, I promise you. Be like fellow tall girl, Julia Child and have no fear!  This is what you do:

1. Grab a pitcher or wide-mouthed water bottle,

I have a  fruit infusion pitcher, but you could use anything

2. Add one or more of your favorite fruits, cut up.  Herbs and vegetables are options, too,
3. Add water,

My pitcher of sunshine! Half of a lemon & half of an orange

4. Let sit overnight in the fridge.

Sometimes you'll have fun colors!
This is frozen blueberries, one pickling cucumber , one sprig each of mint and lemon balm

I throw in there whatever I have around the house that sounds interesting (or needs to be used up).  Some combinations I've done are strawberries & lemon & mint, orange & lemon & lime, orange & cucumber & mint, and just plain pineapple (which is probably to date my favorite).

Sometimes there will be misses.  This week I made apple cucumber mint water.  Sounds pretty good, right?  It smelled good, too.  But the apples turned brown in the water and that grossed me out, so it all went down the sink.  And to that I say, "oh well!"  I'm out like 65 cents.  Next time I'll make apple mint water with a bit of lemon.

Tea
Being a southern gal, sweet tea is always a great choice!  Sometimes I brew it with mint and/or lemon balm.  Sometimes I brew it with a bag of chai tea.  Some people (not me!) like tea with lemon or orange or even peaches.

Green tea is also a good option.  Again, you can add fruit or mint or my personal favorite: ginger.

Fruit juice
If you're buying organic or 100% juice, it can add up quickly.  Plus, drinking large quantities of juice goes from refreshing to sugar overload pretty quickly.  Too much juice burns my throat.

I like to make water bottles filled 1/4 with fruit juice and 3/4 water.  You still get the flavor of the juice, but it's not so overwhelming.

You can also cut tea with fruit juice.  I tend to go more with a 1/2 and 1/2 ratio here, and I especially enjoy cranberry juice with sweet tea or green tea, but you could try any combination. The Arnold Palmer of 1/2 tea 1/2 lemonade is an obvious choice.  Grape juice and green tea.

So go be that tall drink of water that you are, and enjoy one too!

Are you a big Day Drinker?  What are your go-to Day Drinks?  Would you have drunken the brown apple water?

Survivor Sunday Song: Oh My God (Find A Cure)

Time to crank up the volume and sing Ida Maria's "Oh My God"  - heard on The Big C.  It will be stuck in your head all week.  You're welcome.

Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway.  ~Emory Austin

Survivor Sunday Song: Carry On

Need some inspiration? Time to turn up the volume and belt out the lyrics to Fun's "Carry On!"

If you're not familiar with this song, using some creative ellispses with the lyrics, I'll show you why you'll be singing "Carry On" at the top of your lungs!

...But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times, I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone or you're sinking like a stone,
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on

...'Cause we are 
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come, we will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on

(No one's ever gonna stop us now)

T-Shirt Design on Threadrock.com

Also acceptable. Image sourced back to here

Greeting card on Laughing Abi Studio's Etsy Shop

It happens. Image found here

And fight we will!! Keep Calm-O-Matic